All I feel is the realness I'm faking

If only I was braver, then I'd be able to express exactly how I feel to the people around me.

                               Some days I make it through, and then there's nights that never end.

-

Today, I came to a realization that I have become numb to everything around me.
Those things that used to make me feel angry, awkward, upset - They do not stir or evoke the same emotions in me anymore.

I feel, nothing.
Not loneliness, not pessimism.
Nothing.
Emptiness.

Is this normal?
I do not know.

I do not blame anyone.
I do not question why anymore.
I guess after seventeen years, my mind has just adjusted to the fact that things are the way they are, and there's no damn thing I can about it.
Not even if I wanted to.

I have given up, I would say.
Given up on the fact that things would change.

I used to paint images of what things would be like when they changed.
Now, I paint images of my future with the way things are right now.
I'd like to think that I was a trooper, and that 'giving up' never existed in my vocabulary.
Guess I didn't turn out to be the person I thought I'd be.

Life, is a challenge.
You think you have what it takes to play the game.
But, the game has a way of takin' over you and overwhelmin' you till you crumble and break down.
In a way, you've been played by life.
The tables have turned.
The player becomes the played.
How ironic.

I think I have shut out all my emotions.
Or rather, my mind has chosen not to feel anything at all.
I think about it, and it scares me.

I am seventeen, and I am so weary and gunned down.
I do not view life with the same zest and zeal as I used to.

This is life, and I've been played.
Game over.
I lose.

There must be something more.

Can't hold on.

Don't let go.

Dear Santa, 
I know this is a lil' early, but I need a friend.

'Cause I wish someone knew.
I wish someone knew how hard it's been all this while, and how hard it still is.

Yours Sincerely,
Kristle

-

She doesn't want to feel this way
Only seventeen, but tired

Long time coming.

Let's start over, again.

-

It's been a long time coming.
Things've changed.
I think I have too.

I've learnt to deal on my own, w/o wishin' that someone would be there to make it all better.
Because humans never fail to fail you, yes?

It's been a busy period.
I think that's how I survive.
You give it all out at sea, and when you get back, you're too tired to think of anything.
Your mind can no longer wander and all you want to do is sleep it off.
The cycle repeats, and I guess I just feel that void with work, rowin' and more rowin'.

Don't get me wrong.
Rowin' is an absolute joy, and it has in a way, helped to fill a lil' bit of the emptiness that plagues me.
But I guess there's still a whole lot more to go.

'I think you are addicted to keepin' yourself busy, so you won't have any energy left, to think of the hurt that has been done.'

-

I'm not the person I'd like to be right now.
I'm not as strong as I'd like to be.
I'm not the strong fortress I'd hope to be.

I'm beginnin' to fear that things will remain the same for the rest of my life, and I am afriad.
All those visions I've painted for myself, I hope they turn to reality one day.
But I find myself losin' hope with each passin' day.

Please, don't let me lose hope.
I desperately want to believe.

But I couldn't make you see it, couldn't make you see it.
That I loved you more, than you'll ever know.
And part of me died, when I let you go.